In a stunning victory for internal data input specialists and mapmakers with access to the “Find and Replace” tool, the United States has successfully conquered water.

Well, not the actual water. And certainly not the fish, the shipping lanes, or the mud at the bottom of the northern half. But the US federal database has been thoroughly liberated.

Thanks to the latest executive decree, the body of water formerly associated with a Canadian province is now officially Lake America—at least if you are reading an electronic spreadsheet inside a windowless office in Washington, D.C.

The strategy is brilliant in its sheer logistical audacity. Why waste time with tedious diplomatic negotiations or tedious international treaties when you can simply launch an administrative invasion of the U.S. Geographic Names Information System? Rumour has it that federal employees are already working overtime, armed with nothing but mouse clicks and a dream, to scrub centuries of history from government servers.

Naturally, the view from the other side of the invisible liquid border is slightly less enthusiastic. Up north, Canadian officials are stubborn in their insistence that water requires mutual agreement to change its identity. They seem trapped in a traditional mindset where things are named based on geography rather than national branding exercises. They have politely declined to update their software.

Meanwhile, the state of New York, which actually sits on the southern shoreline, has essentially told the federal government that it will continue looking at the same water and calling it by its original name. This sets up a beautiful, dystopian future where a person standing on a pier in Rochester could be looking at Lake Ontario, while a federal park ranger standing next to them is legally required to stare at the exact same wave and praise Lake America.

The potential for this new administrative superpower is limitless. If we can reshape global geography simply by updating a internal directory, why stop here? The federal government could easily rename the Atlantic Ocean to the Great American Moat. We could rebrand the English Channel to the Pre-American Shipping Lane.

For now, boaters are advised to pack two separate maps depending on which way the wind blows. If you drift too far north, you are in a historic Canadian waterway. If you drift south, you are in a certified American data point. Just remember not to ask the fish for directions—they are notoriously bad at reading federal executive orders.